Yesterday is gone

11 Sep

Yesterday was one of my anxiety days.  One of the days where I wake up with my chest hurting and spend the entire day feeling like I’m being strangled. On anxiety day, every time I breathe in, I feel a wave of dizziness.  It’s a pretty regular occurrence,anxiety day, but that doesn’t keep it from catching me by surprise and kicking my butt when it comes.

I’ve never told anyone about anxiety day, except DH and my sister.  Because it’s me at my worst.  Because I like to focus on the good.  But on anxiety day it is hard to find anything good that does not seem poisoned with fear.

On anxiety day, everything seems wrong and horrible and hopeless.  I know that even if my life was problem free, I’d probably still come up with something to be worried about on anxiety day.  Since I actually do have problems,it can be pretty bad. I tell myself my viewpoint is skewed, but it doesn’t make the strangling pain go away.  I’ve tried singing hymns during the day to cheer myself up.  I do calm down while I’m singing, but as soon as the song is over, anxiety smacks me in the face again, and I feel like I’m fighting a great battle just to not drown.  Sometimes anxiety day lasts for two or three days.

If there was a way that I could just leave until it was over, my family wouldn’t suffer as much.

Because when I’m freaking out, I don’t always speak in the kindest tone to the kiddie pies.

The DH can tell I’m not happy.  He wants me to be happy, so he asks what is wrong.  I say “it’s nothing.”  What I mean is, there is nothing he can do.  The DH can be pretty persistent.  When I’m asked for the 4th time what’s wrong, I forget that I’m suppressing my emotions for the day.  I stop answering, “It’s nothing” and let the DH know his top ten failings and why no woman should be expected to put up with him.  Also I let him know that every little thing he does is irritating to me and why can’t he just go breathe in a different room.  Fairness does not enter in here on anxiety day.

I’ve been learning about quantum mechanics (thank you, youtube) because I’ve always wanted to learn about it, and because I want to learn about it before the movie about Steven Hawking comes out in November.  So far what I’ve learned is that matter moves like a wave, but when we try to measure or observe it, it changes.  I’ve learned that a particle in the universe spins, but it doesn’t know which way it is spinning until we measure it.  When we measure it, it spins the way we set up the equipment to measure the spin.  If we change the equipment, we change the spin.

So our expectations affect the universe and how it behaves.  I’m not saying I understand it very well yet, but it sure lends a lot of credibility to the whole positive affirmations idea.  I know that I’d rather be happy than sad, and I might as well choose to believe in happiness.  Most of the time, I’m pretty good at happy.  But I haven’t managed to do happy on anxiety day.  (although hanging out at a friend’s house can distract me from it for a few hours-that’s as close as I’ve gotten).  It’s like on anxiety day, my brain is broken.  Happy and hopeful aren’t settings that my equipment is capable of on anxiety day.

Maybe one of these days, maybe I’ll manage to be civil and cheerful on anxiety day.  Maybe I’ll figure out how to use physics to fix it.  Maybe anxiety day won’t come back next month.

For now, I’m just glad that yesterday is over and my kiddie pies are so quick to forgive and forget.  I’m glad the DH is pretty resilient and that making up after a fight is really fun.  I’ve go hold of hope again.

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4 Responses to “Yesterday is gone”

  1. carlieandrob September 12, 2014 at 3:11 PM #

    Thank You for sharing your thoughts and vulnerabilities. You put a name to something I haven’t know what to call, what to do with. I’m sorry you have anxiety days. But you are not alone.

    • GlowWorm September 12, 2014 at 3:33 PM #

      Thanks <>

      My new strategy for next time is to just go through the house as soon as I realize that it is one of those days, and just tell each person individually : “Today I’m feeling grouchy. I want to apologize in advance if I say or do anything grouchy. It’s not your fault. I’m just feeling grouchy today.”

      I’m choosing to say grouchy to my kids because at this point, I think they are too little to have to deal with “Mommy is afraid” and since my fears manifest in preoccupation and impatience towards them–grouchy will work fine to explain what is going on.

      My hope is that by being proactive, I might actually gain more control over my reactions and at least they won’t suffer.

  2. Jill September 14, 2014 at 4:19 PM #

    That sucks. If you want to come over here, you’re always welcome!

    I second the thanks for the honesty, by the way. I always compare my worst with others’ bests and feel like such a loser.

    • GlowWorm September 15, 2014 at 3:06 PM #

      Thanks. I almost deleted this post so many times. I always worry that people will take what I write the wrong way. I’m glad you got it.

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