This morning, by the time we got to church, I was struggling. I was frustrated about some things and worried about some other things and by that point, quite cranky.
What had set off my pity party grouchy train? Well, my girls’ room is a mess. I ask them to clean it up, and they will get the laundry off the floor and a few things put away, but the corners stay piles of crap. As in old papers, bits of candy wrappers, parts of broken toys, hair elastics & bobby pins, clothes, a.k.a. filthy garbage.
This morning, my oldest daughter announced that she had no Sunday clothes that fit. Now I knew she had outgrown one dress, but I thought she had others. I’ve been asking her for 2 weeks what clothes she needs, because I’ve got to get all the school shopping done before the twins are born. But she waited until Sunday morning to inform me that she has no Sunday clothes. So I go in to her closet to see what I can find. That is, I attempt to enter the closet. It is impossible, as my 9 year old daughter has so strewn the floor with her own clothing and toys as to make entry impossible. This 9 year old has been told daily for months that she must not leave her clothes and wet swim gear on the floor, but she does anyway and only picks it up when I go in there and notice now bad it is and threaten her that I will burn it all, and she can go naked to school for all I care.
I have wanted a better closet organizing system for a long time. I found pictures of what I wanted and discussed it with the resident Lieutenant. I really wanted it done before the twins were born. But it isn’t going to happen. I ran out of energy about 2 months ago, and the resident LT has hardly been resident, what with 10 days of Military Duty, 4 days of a mountain climbing trip, 4 days of Scout camp, and taking the kids to swim meets. Then he has been working 10 hour days for his regular job this summer, which was supposedly going to give him Friday’s off, but somehow he always has to go in for a few hours on Friday and then he uses up the afternoon to drive me to doctor appointments, since I’m too tired and huge to drive the hour to my doctor’s office and the hour back by myself. Still I feel cranky about how “nothing” I wanted to happen before the twins were born is happening.
I found the 13 year old and acceptable outfit. I yelled at the 9 year old in a horrifying manner. We loaded all the kids in the van and headed to church, my grouch train just adding new cars all the way as my brain found more things to be upset about.
I knew my attitude needed to change if I was going to be able to teach my class, not to mention participate in Sunday worship the way I should. Sunday is a day to worship God and repent of sins and commit to doing better. I was so far from that at 9:00 a.m.
I sat in my bench as well as I could with my enormous baby belly. I glanced around, and it seemed to me that everyone else had life easier than I. I knew that was just lies, but the score on derailing my grouchy pity-party train was so far train 5, me 0.
I asked myself, “Don’t I have the faith to let the Lord take care of us in His own time? Don’t I have the faith to accept that the way I want my life to be isn’t always the way the Lord will have my life to be?” I was getting to where I needed to be, but I was still feeling pretty rebellious and cynical.
Then for the Sacrament Hymn, we sang “As Now We Take the Sacrament.” It is really my favorite Sacrament hymn. The last verse includes this line, “And silently we pray for courage to accept Thy will, to listen and obey…”
I asked myself, “Am I going to keep sitting here being angry because things aren’t the way they ‘should’ be, or am I going to accept how things are and then cheerfully do all in my power to make them better, trusting in God to fill in the gaps and make things work out alright?”
The right choice was obvious and the grouchy train was successfully derailed.
The rest of Sunday was wonderful. Except the part where I dropped Baby Bean on the floor because she was thrashing around on my lap, well what is left of my lap, and she thrashed too far out where I couldn’t reach or move fast enough to catch her. So she thudded to the floor and set to wailing good and loud. But the missionaries gave great talks, which I enjoyed and benefited from, and my Young Women’s lesson went really well. We had a decently restful Sunday afternoon at home with *almost* no children fighting, and finished it off with a game of Settlers of Catan and then a few rounds of Love Letter.
Life is going just fine, and new closet organizers won’t really make a difference. What will make a difference is me helping the 9 year old reduce how many clothes she has so they all fit in her dresser and on the closet rod. And I can do that while sitting down, so it’s attainable.
Doctrine and Covenants 123:17
Therefore, dearly beloved brethren, let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power; and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for his arm to be revealed.